I have never dreaded birthdays.
With the exception of the year that I turned 30 (when I had a mini-life crisis because I was single, miserable in my job, and had just been through a terrible breakup), I’ve loved birthdays. I love cake. I love presents. I love getting sappy cards. I didn’t care about turning 31, 32, and so on. Even 35, that magical, much feared year when women everywhere are told that their fertility plummets, didn’t bother me. I shrugged it off and got pregnant the next year, at 36.
But I’ve decided that I want this to be my last birthday. I’m 39 today, and I’ve decided that the parties are over.
I love being in my thirties.
In our culture being in your twenties can be about self-absorbtion, immaturity, trying on new identities and new relationships. You can be irresponsible (reckless even) and carefree, and then wake up the next day and be frivolous again. For most of my twenties, I didn’t feel like a “real” adult. I lived with roommates, in old and sketchy apartments. I had goals and plans for my life, but you can pretend that each year will be an entirely new adventure. Our twenties are about exploration and risk.
Most of the women that I know have become fully formed as thirtysomethings. They’re confident. They’re grown up. They know the things that matter to them and have fought for them. For thirtysomething women, this recognition of who we want to be can also bring challenges: you might realize that you want so much (a great job, a fulfilling marriage, happy kids, supportive friends) and then struggle to “have it all.”
There are hard parts to being in your thirties too, particularly for women. You know that you’re choosing how your life — your grown up life — is really going to be. Your choices have real consequences. You’re choosing your real career. If you haven’t found a life partner and want one, you’re probably looking around pretty intensely, aware that your present youthful appearance will not last forever. You want to set yourself up for long-term career advancement and satisfaction. You must confront the realities of human fertility and make choices about having a family. (When I turned 30 and was single, I inexplicably started receiving mail offers from egg-donation clinics with frightening sales pitches about “starting a family now before it’s too late.”)
In your thirties, you also start to slow down and it feels sort of good. You realize that eight hours of sleep and a good yoga workout make you feel better the next day than drinking wine and dancing until dawn. You start thinking as the sun not as a summertime friend but as your enemy and learn about sunblock and moisturizers. During my thirties I realized I didn’t have to feel guilty about staying home on a Saturday night and watching a marathon of bad TV, not going to a party or getting together with anyone.
When I was a teenager, I watched “Beverly Hills 90210” like every other girl my age in the early 1990s. But I had a secret addiction. My favorite show was actually “thirtysomething.” I still know every episode by heart. I watched them alone; I couldn’t convince any of my friends or family to watch it with me. I loved the show because of its writing; it was slowly paced, realistic in the way that we now take for granted in television shows, and so introspective that it was almost novelistic. I loved that the characters wore the same faded LL Bean bathrobes from episode to episode. The characters talked, real conversations without laugh tracks in kitchens and living rooms, about important topics like marriage, having children, and death. There were episodes about feminism and women’s changing identities as mothers and career women, the choices that a mother faces in negotiating family and work.
“Thirtysomething” was my guide to my future adulthood. It was ended up being one of my future guides to parenthood. I still remember some of the episodes about Hope weaning her baby, about her tentative return to work during her daughter’s infancy, and about the arguments about cooking and cleaning that arrived along with new parenthood for Hope and Michael. And, yes, I do know the show was ultimately about baby boomer, hyper-educated yuppies who were seriously self-absorbed.
But maybe that’s sort of who I am right now. I love being a thirtysomething new-ish mom. I don’t understand what being in my forties will mean.
Are you in your thirties? What do you think of this decade? What about being in your forties? What are they like?
Pink puffy heart LOVED Thirtysomething!!! I am in my 30’s, but I don’t mind too much the thought of being in my 40’s, although I know what you mean. Happy birthday! :)-Ashley
I will stay 39 with you when I get there in three short years, if you will have me. Seriously, I had no problem turing 30 or even 35, but 36 this year made me know I was closer to 40 years old and that just made me feel a bit old. So, I was reading your article and very much relating to how you are feeling about leaving your thirties, so not ready either. Happy Birthday to you though!!!
Okay, first of all, your blog looks FABULOUS! It’s easy to navigate, clean, and attractive. Nothing else in the world of blogs matters— well, beside fantastic content but you’ve had that nailed since day one.
So, I’m 36. And I love this period of time so much more than my teens, 20s, and even early 30s. I’ve heard people say they really feel they come into their own in the 40s so I’m looking forward to that too.
You and I watched all the same shows I’m sure! I loved 90210 so much that I even watched it’s newest incarnation the past few years despite my better judgement.
Well, first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my friend! I totally get it. I wondered if I was going to have a mini freak-out when I turned 35 this year. Not so much, but I felt certain that the closer I got to 40, the more likely I was to have an age-related crisis. I loved that photo collage of you- so fun to see those pictures! And you have inspired me to rent/buy the entire Thirtysomething if I can find it. 🙂 Have a great day!
I turn 36 in September, and I’m feeling a little ancient. Maybe it’s because so many of my online friends are at least 3-4 years younger. I’ve always felt older, though, so in some ways, I feel like I’m finally beginning to match the age I felt I was. For the first time, I feel comfortable in my skin and place in the world, even as my body begins to fall apart around me.
Happy Birthday!
So many people say that about their mid to late thirties… They finally feel comfortable in their own skin! I love that expression. But I doubt that your body has yet to entirely fall apart yet 🙂
Happy Birthday! I am 38 (39 in December).
29 was tough because I was in a loveless marriage, making a meager income, in debt, and childless. That year I made radical changes to my life and my 30’s have been much improved and relatively comfortable.
I too watched Beverly Hills 90210 and Thirtysomething… we had interesting “examples” in our popular culture didn’t we?
I can’t imagine what the 40’s are like. My mom said she has a journal of her thoughts and experiences with menopause… so I guess I have something to look forward to?!
Wishing you an amazing day.
xoxo
PS – I mentioned you in a posting I did about technology today. I hope you have a chance to pop by.
Thank you so much, Jennifer! It’s amazing how dated thirtysomething as a show — as well as 90210, for that matter — seems now. We had such weird, conflicting examples, it’s true, in popular culture when we were growing up. I’m going to check your blog post right now!
Happy Birthday!! Age doesn’t really bother me, although I haven’t hit 40 just yet. I always seem to the youngest in my “circles” and my hubby is 6 years older than me. Plus, I always remember what my dad says about birthdays – “It’s better than the alternative!” 🙂
I’m 41 and proud of it! I dreaded 40 – but it really has been a continuation of the good parts of being 30!! It’s all in how you feel anyhow – it’s a number. 30’s were great, but something tells me 40’s will rock too! And, so far, so good!
Aw, happy birthday, Jessica! So. I had my first and only baby about 6 weeks shy of turning 41. And you know what? The 40’s are harder because of wrinkles, more sunblock, more fear of a shortened future, but they also feel the same, but better. It’s as if mentally, you are still the same you that you’ve learned to accept and even love a little bit (whereas 20’s for so many of us – me, anyway, was about doubt and drifting), but are better, calmer, wiser, and have more of a deep understanding of people and what makes them tick. It makes it easier to accept the idiots and understand what’s important, if that makes sense. I turn 45 this month. I’m scared sh!tless. But also, I know that I’ll feel pretty much the same. But better, stronger, smarter. I’ve also recently really learned to appreciate how amazing each age really is. Try to just live it and feel it. One day, and it will come sooner than you realize, you’ll look back at 39 and say “I wish.”
I wish you the very best of years and the very best of birthdays. May it be wonderful and full of light and laughter.
I too am in my last year of the thirties. I just figure I’m getting older and I can’t do much about it! I do wish I wasn’t so tired… 😉 I’ve never seen Thirtysomething, but I know a lot of people who loved that show!
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! How silly of me to not say that…
Okay, first, let me say, you had me at Beverly Hills, 90210. Best. show. ever.
I will turn 39 next year. And I, too, have loved my 30’s. Definitely a decade in which I came into my own, experienced motherhood, simultaneously got busier, and slowed down, too…. and 30 just sounds so YOUNG. 40, unfortunately, does not {sorry, to all 40+’s I’m offending…. I’ll be there soon}. I have found that just in the last year, I look at old photographs and can see that I am …. oh, I hate this word…. aging. I guess the dreading-of-40 is revealing my vanity and I don’t like that… it’s so easy to decry our culture that worships youth…. and then you realize you are caught up in it, too.
Great, thoughtful post {as always}.
I LOVE Thirty Something and I’ve been fantasizing for years about rewatching it. I feel like I’d love it even more now, because I’ll probably be able to relate on a totally different level. I often think about the difference between twenty something and thirty something year old me and you are right the pace changes. The intensity too. In communicating with other people I feel like I work less hard now to win them over. In my twenties I was constantly out to prove something, not entirely sure what.
And finally, my scary age was 36. I am 37 now (hyperventilating). I used to love birthdays. Sigh.
You should definitely watch it again, Katia. It’s certainly dated, but still so timely in a lot of ways. Women’s roles have made a lot of progress in some ways, and not in others. Your scary age was 36? That’s really interesting! Why?
Oh, by the way, I’ve sent you a Facebook message. Just making sure you got it 🙂
Transitions are hard. One of the most important skills we learn is how to move from one phase of life to the next, without angst and without regret. The forties are wonderful. Every stage of life is wonderful. The key is to step into that next stage anticipating its wonder. Be glad for the fun of your thirties. I found my forties to be more mature, more secure, more objective, better at relationships, and more able to focus on other aspects of life because the time of early marriage and child-bearing were over. I enjoyed my forties very much!
Thanks, Mary Kathryn. That’s reassuring to hear that perspective. I feel like my thirties were a lot of the times exactly what I expected, in the best ways. I just feel like I don’t know what to think about turning 40.
{Sigh, my comment this morning did not go through. Here we go again.}
First, no wonder we get along. I am a year behind you, but I also turned 30 in the throes of a complete breakdown, bad job, single, recovering from a terrible, soul-sucking break-up that I may or may not be over yet.
Second, yes! The 30s are great. They are when I fell in love, married, changed careers, had a baby, started writing again, became myself. I also fear turning 40 but hopefully I will have learned my lesson from the last time and know that it will only bring a new round of wonderful.
{My last comment was way better but I have no brain cells left.}
So glad I found you!
Sorry about the comment! The internet was acting crazy yesterday, and my site “broke” for a while.
Yes, it sounds like we would have a lot to talk about in terms of our experiences turning 30! You’re right. I should approach it your way: I feared 30 and it was great. I’m sure 40 will be even better! And I’m so glad that I found you too!
Happy belated birthday, Jessica. I am 41. I loved my thirties, but I like who I am even better in my forties. Sure, I wish I were physically still 30 something, but the rest of me feels like I’m at my best ever. And when we get down to it, there is nothing we can do about the number. So I try not to focus on that. And as my father always says, I’d rather get older than the alternative. 🙂
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great post. seeing that picture reminded me how OLD i thought 30’s was when the show was out.