It’s almost bathing suit season and, to prepare, I’m going to…
Do absolutely nothing.
You see, I’m now well into my second trimester of my second pregnancy, and this time I’m doing things a little differently.
During my last pregnancy I tried to be calm and relaxed at first about all the rules, prohibitions, and recommendations during pregnancy. But it was impossible for me. I became a woman obsessed with having a perfect pregnancy. I had a stack of pregnancy books next to my bed for “leisure reading.” (In reality for panicked late night reading about rare conditions.) My primary source of online reading was BabyCenter, and I became a regular poster on my birth club site.
I internalized the rules….
Don’t eat lunch meat. Exercise every day (but not too hard). Drink caffeine sparingly. Eat ginger for morning sickness. Don’t garden. You’re gaining too much weight. You’re not gaining enough weight. Eat more fiber to fix constipation. Don’t touch wine ever. Sleep on your left side. Forget about sushi. Check your cheeses. Take prenatal breastfeeding classes. Do Kegels. Swelling in your ankles is normal (until it’s not). And on and on and on….
This time, except to consult about a prenatal test that I wasn’t sure about, I have not opened a single fear-mongering pregnancy book. This time my only pregnancy bible is Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom Is Wrong-and What YouReally Need to Know
So here are my new rules:
1. As noted earlier, I am skipping regimented exercise. That doesn’t mean that I’m not taking relaxing walks with my toddler (or is there actually such a thing with a toddler?). It just means that I’m not obsessive about doing my prenatal exercise video EVERY SINGLE morning, like I was last time. By the end of the second trimester, I had added practice labor and breathing exercises to my daily routine. Most days I would spend more than an hour and a half on pregnancy-related exercises. Crazy. And made ironic by the fact that after all those labor and breathing exercises I had an emergency c-section.
After reviewing the studies on pregnancy and exercise, Oster concludes, “Exercise doesn’t seem to have much of an impact on anything. No change in preterm birth, or gestational age, or rate of C-section, or fetal growth…. So there is not a lot of reason to start exercising. There is also no reason to stop.” Good enough for me. So my motto this time: Take a nap.
Relatedly, I refuse this time to obsess about my weight. I don’t know my current weight or how much I’ve gained during pregnancy so far and don’t plan to think about it. Last time I was given quite a hard time about gaining too much weight, too soon. I ended up gaining about 35 pounds during pregnancy, within the normal range, especially for a thin-ish person, almost all of it during the early parts of my second trimester. When I gained several pounds by the mid point of my second trimester, my OB/GYN suggested that I see a nutritionist. This time I know my pattern: I lost a bit of weight during the first trimester and then gained quickly during the second and plateaued. End of story. And I will continue to eat my ice cream, thanks.
2. I ate what I wanted during the first trimester. If you’re anything like me, you feel so sick and miserable during this time that you’re barely eating anything. During my first pregnancy, I was wracked with guilt over not eating enough nutritious food, like fruits and vegetables. This time I just listened to my body: some days I only ate Skittles and bowls of oatmeal and that’s it. If you’re lucky (and it seems that my morning sickness has finally faded away), this period of nausea only lasts for weeks and won’t negatively impact your baby at all, no matter how many food groups your diet temporarily lacks.
3. I am drinking alcohol (a bit). Last time I had barely touched a sip of anything by this point in my pregnancy. Probably the most controversial aspect of Oster’s book is her review of the pregnancy literature and conclusion that “there is no good evidence that light drinking during pregnancy negatively impacts your baby. You should be comfortable with: up to 1 drink a day in the second and third trimesters. 1 to 2 drinks a week in the first trimester.” So not heavy drinking but still not exactly what What To Expect tells you. Her meticulous explanation of the subtleties of the pregnancy research literature (probably more than most people would ever want to get into) convinced me. A few days a week I have a glass of wine or a beer.
4. Don’t fight the misery. I have a generally low threshold for pain, discomfort, or sleep deprivation. This time I didn’t fight it kicking and screaming during the first trimester. I gave in. During my pregnancy with my son, I felt similarly awful: exhausted to the point of collapse, nauseous, moody, constipated, bloated. But I tried just going about my normal schedule when I really didn’t have to. I was preparing to begin my dissertation research and helping to teach at the university so I could have taken it easy for a month or so. But I felt like my body was betraying me, and I hated it and resisted.
This time I was all about sleeping. My motto: sleep my way through the first trimester misery. Sleep through the nausea. I know that this option does not exist for the vast majority of women. For me, it worked. My husband was supportive enough that he took care of my son’s wakeup and preschool dropoff, and I could sleep as much in the morning as I needed to. I sometimes slept 12-14 hours a day, and feeling crappy was manageable. I wasn’t productive, but I knew it was temporary and I slept to escape. Now I’m back to seven or eight hours of sleep per night.
5. I’m advocating for myself. Last time I was intimidated by my OB/GYNs at Mass General, one of the best hospitals in the country. I listened to their advice carefully and followed it religiously, particularly around things like prenatal testing. This time I’m doing it my way, asking questions respectfully and even considering switching doctors if the practice doesn’t seem like a good fit.
Really all of my “new rules” can be boiled down to one piece of advice: Lose the guilt and ditch the panic. I’m never going to love pregnancy, but it can be a lot more fun when you’re focused on what really matters to you.
If you read my blog even somewhat regularly, you may have noticed that I’ve been MIA for the past month or two. Now you know why….. First trimester (and a bit beyond) discomfort and fatigue left me uninspired with writing. Thank goodness it’s temporary! And thanks for hanging in there with me….
Thanks to my FTSF hosts Stephanie, Kate, Janine, and Kristi!
I love how you are spending this time in your pregnancy doing what you need to for you and sounds like you are truly listening to your body. I admit I like you was more obsessed with my first, but by my second I was definitely more relaxed to and just did what felt right for me at each stage. Huge congrats again and truly loved how you answered the sentence tonight.
Thanks, Janine! It’s nice to be back!
I didn’t know you were pregnant! Congratulations! So happy for you. FYI…I drank NOTHING my first pregnancy and they were my preemies with all the issues. I had an occasional glass of wine with my next two pregnancies – and they are fine/normal/whatever-you-want-to-call it. NOT suggesting you party on:), but you get it…
Yes, I get it! For a lot of women, the drinking issue in particular is a black/white issue. And that’s fine. But the actual research is a bit more nuanced.
Congrats on the pregnancy. That’s wonderful. While it’s been a good long while since I was last pregnant I have a niece who just gave birth to her first 12 weeks ago today! Her doc was wonderful – very casual about the weight gain and didn’t ask her to step on any scales and was relaxed about the alcohol consumption too. Both mom and baby are doing very well. Yes to lose the guilt and lose the panic!
Congratulations to your family! Having a supportive, relaxed doctor is so important. There’s such a wide variation between doctors’ styles. It’s worth it to find the right fit!
Yes and yes to all of this!! I felt exactly the same about each of my pregnancies. And both of my children turned out very healthy. I love this new attitude and wish that everyone would adopt it. Much healthier. Very excited to continue to follow your journey.
Lose the guilt and ditch the panic. Great advice for Moms during pregnancy and during everyday life! It’s super that you’re finding a balanced approach to beginning a new chapter in your family.
Thanks, Anna! Let’s see if I can continue with it once the baby is born. Or once labor begins!
My doctor actually told me to have a glass of wine now and again during my pregnancy. Now, I can’t remember why she told me to although I was obsessed over every word she uttered back then. Sounds like you’re handling this perfectly perfect, Jessica! I’m so so happy for you to and yay that you’re feeling better!
Lots of doctors tell patients that. It’s a tough issue, I would imagine, for doctors to explain. And thank you, Kristi!
I love all these rules so very much. I think “lose the guilt and ditch the panic” is a motto that would work well for parenting at any point, be it in utero or middle school 🙂
Amen sister! You know I’m super vocal about advocating for yourself with physicians. We have put them on this pedastal and forgotten they are human, and don’t always know more.
I’m glad you’re taking it easy and letting go of the stress! And I’m so happy for you too 🙂
Thanks, Jen :). Well, I think they do usually know more. It’s just that sometimes their goals are different than a patient’s. For instance, mine is to have both a sane pregnancy and a healthy one. My doctor’s is to make sure that I take as few risks as humanly possible. Those two things are not always compatible.
I was a complete nervous wreck during my pregnancy. Glad you’re enjoying this one a bit more.
Yes, yes and yes!
I slept through most of my first trimester. I also let go of a lot of commitments because I just knew I didn’t have the physical and mental capacity to do it all.
I eat a lot of ice cream too 🙂
I’m on your team! With my boys, I ate healthy and worked out, but that’s what my body craved. With my first daughter, she literally wanted me to sleep all day and each sweets. My skin was a wreck but at least I didn’t spend the day nauseous! I would come home and sleep. thankfully my son knew how to make a sandwich and my husband doesn’t mind cooking, otherwise our marriage would’ve been over! I’m also glad that someone has openly said having a drink won’t harm your baby. I would have about a glass a day, sometimes less, sometimes a little more. but ultimately, y body knew when I should stop and I did. First time here! Fellow #FTSFer!
So, so glad to hear you are approaching it like this!!! Good for you.
I loved this, Jessica. It sounds like a great book. I remember being utterly shocked after giving birth to my first son not by how different the experience was than what’s described in the books (although I’m sure it was, I just haven’t been reading them, knowing I’d feel overwhelmed) but by the lack of correlation between what we were taught in pre-natal class and the reality of our labour experiences. I think this is a wise and self-friendly and preserving approach and I think it’s important for other women to read this to and ditch that damn guilt.
When last I was pregnant it was taboo for a pregnant woman to drink–a drop. I splurged one evening in my 3rd trimester by having a wine cooler. I remember feeling guilty….about feeling no guilt. Aren’t the Europeans much more relaxed about having a glass of wine now & then for pregnant women? I think it’s important to learn about other cultures and extract the good stuff. Congrats on your pregnancy!
I believe that our bodies are the best indicators of finding out if something is wrong or if something is lacking! So, one day, your body may well feel that it needs carbs and the other, it may want loads of broccoli or skittles (sugar)! Just listening to our bodies is probably the best thing we can do, at any stage!
Congratulations on the pregnancy! The second one is always better because we learn that we can relax!!
Good tips about pregnancy. Drink plenty of water before, during and after your workout to avoid dehydration.