This week I was in Boston for less than a day to defend my dissertation. My hearing was successful, and I’m done! Several years of coursework, research, dissertation writing…. I should be celebrating, consumed with the possibilities of what could come next in my professional life.
Instead, I got a virus.  Not a cold, not the flu.
It’s the dreaded baby bug.
Somehow, without planning to, I spent far too much time around adorable, perfect babies during my trip. I stayed with a family friend whose daughter had a one year old with whom I spent much of yesterday morning. She was a smiling, wild-haired, pudgy-cheeked angel. (Dangerously, this young toddler made the mistake of letting me play with her gorgeous mane of hair. As the mother of a boy, I nearly swooned.)
On my flight, I sat in front of a family with six — yes, six! — perfectly behaved children, including a newborn who didn’t cry once and the cutest little toddler girl who sang happy songs softly during the whole trip and played peekaboo with me.
And I went out to dinner with one of my best friends from college and got to meet her beautiful baby girl with the biggest, clearest blue eyes and the coyest smile. During the whole dinner, she cooed happily and flirted with me.
I never intended for my son to be an only child.  But to say that his infancy was difficult would be such an incredible understatement, and I’ve been in a sort of post-traumatic haze for the past year. Months of colic, breastfeeding hell, visits to specialists for reflux, trials of medication, milk protein allergies, nearly a year of completely sleepless nights, and then constant ear infections. The crying was so constant that I would literally hear it echoing in my ears even when the house was silent. Until recently — and I know this makes me a terrible person — I would see a baby on the street or in a store and would want to run as fast and as far away from this poor infant as possible.
But now my son is about to turn two, and I will be 39 this summer. I finally got my doctorate, and I love what I’m doing: writing. And even though my days are not exciting, they’re perfect for me right now. Here is a typical day in my life:
6:30-7 a.m. wakeup. My son is FINALLY sleeping this late, and it’s miraculous. I get him up (or my husband does), change his diaper, get him dressed, and get breakfast ready.
7:45 My husband takes my son to preschool. And then I have the morning to myself. I have time to shower, clean up the breakfast dishes, and blog. Until recently, I would work on my dissertation too. On Thursdays, my son is home the whole day, and often we head over to the gym in the morning.
11:45 I leave to pick up my son at preschool, take him home, and get him ready for his nap.
12:30 – 2:30 My son naps. It’s been a long time coming, but my son is finally a pretty good napper. Sometimes he’ll refuse his nap, and there will be tears (his and mine).
2:30 to 5 My son and I play, run errands, go for a walk, or just hang out.
5:00-6:00 My son eats dinner, my husband comes home, and general preparations begin for our dinner.
7:00 My son takes a bath, gets ready for bed, and is usually asleep by 8.
8:00-10:00 My husband and I eat dinner and then clean up, watch television, or do our own separate things.
10:00-11:00 I get ready for bed, usually read, sometimes novels but often magazines or nonfiction.
11:00 Sleep. My son doesn’t always sleep through the night, but luckily my husband is much better at “night duty” than I am. When I was away this week, I realized that this was the first time in two years that I had slept without being awakened by someone (my son) or something (one of our pets).
Now, to me, this schedule seems ideal. I know it’s boring. But if you had seen my daily schedule a year ago, it would look very different, filled with hours of inconsolable screaming, refusal to sleep.
It’s so selfish to deny my son a sibling or for me to refuse the long-term happiness of a second child just because I finally have my daily schedule and life at a place where I feel comfortable and happy, isn’t it? And there is so much that is wonderful about a new baby: their smell, their tiny little noses, their toothless grins, their squeals of glee, even rocking them to sleep in those quiet moments in the dead of the night. But also so much work and worry. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go back to the newborn schedule again.
At least right now though there’s no denying it. I definitely have it: a serious case of the “baby bug.” Will it go away?
Do any of you have any tips for how to deal with this baby fever? Should I let it run its course?
Thanks to Finish the Sentence Friday!
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Jessica, your son sounded so much like my first with colic, ear infections and teething. She was a horrible sleeper. When I first got pregnant with Lily, I was plain frightened of what would be in store for me with my second. Thankfully, she was such a good baby and the complete opposite of my first. So it can happen that your next will be an easy baby, too. As for the baby fever, I am so over that after having my two in less than 2 years, lol!! That said thank you so very much for linking up with us again!! 🙂
You’re welcome! It does seem like most people have your experience, in which the first child is the complete opposite of the first child. You never know however!
Oh, boy! I sure know the feeling of “baby fever.” That is how my second child came to be. And let me tell you, if he came first, I doubt I would’ve had a second. My first child, a girl, was so easy (slept through the night at 2.5 months, napped well, fairly easy to travel with, etc.) My second child, a boy, is quite a handful. I thought things would get better and for about 8 months or so, life was predictable, but now that he is 3. OMG! I love your schedule! Life is nice when it is peaceful. What I have learned (although haven’t fully accepted) is that nothing ever remains the same. It is scary throwing another kid in the mix and I don’t blame you in the least if you choose to ignore the baby bug.
Congrats on competing the beast! Hope to be you soon:)
Thank you, Wendy! That is the major thing you learn from parenting: this stage of childhood — however old your child is, however difficult or easy it is — will not stay the same. This is both reassuring and terrifying!
I’ve got a bit of the baby fever too with the youngest going to the big K in August (that’s Kindergarten, not Kmart). But I couldn’t walk or move my neck for quite awhile after my daughter was born, remembering that curbs it a bit. Does that help?
Couldn’t move your neck? That’s curious… And sounds cautionary, whatever it was.
Apparently I pushed a little too hard, she really wanted out. They broke my water and made her very, very angry and she wanted out right then. I’ve had neck problems ever since. A pain in my neck, literally. I also put my pelvis out of alignment. A cautionary tale indeed.
Well, my friend, I am in love with this post. So honest, so perfectly written. I had no idea your son’s infancy was so challenging, to say the least. You are kind of a survivor, not to be overly dramatic. I think sleep-deprivation and dealing with constant crying count as some of the hardest experiences a parent can be subjected to. I am with you on the baby fever- we are thinking of having one more child, and I can just see the light at the end of the toddler tunnel now-I have more time to myself, the schedule works, etc. It seems crazy to start over when things are finally mellowing a bit. Great job!
Thank you, Steph! I’ve almost come to the conclusion that the decision to have a second child is almost an irrational one, but only in the short term. Everyone sort of has to weigh the short-term challenges (sleep loss, scheduling inflexibility) with long-term joy of another family member. Such a tough decision!
Sure, a new baby will change your schedule. But it will change anyway as your son gets older, whether you have another baby or not. You’ll never be ready to go back to that newborn schedule, but you did it once and you can do it again. And congrats on your dissertation!
Thank you, Dana! The newborn schedule should be so temporary. You’re right that it’s hard to imagine going back to it. With my son, his “newborn” phase just stretched on and on and on… But I realize that this isn’t typical!
Oh Jessica, the grass is always greener. Of course I never envisioned an only child either, but we also had a very difficult first 3 years, which kind of put a pin in it for us. We adopted and knowing that would have to be the route again, it left 4 years between our son and a new baby at best. At that point, I figured, what really is the point? I got him two dogs. Well one dog, then I got that dog a dog. We’re all good.
But right on if you decide to take the plunge! Oh yeah, and I don’t think your selfish, my son and I are completely happy and fulfilled in this only child world 🙂
Thanks for advice! I know that so many families are happy with only children. I just have a hard time imagining childhood with siblings, because I had two younger ones. But there are big benefits to being an only kid too!
I used to get baby fever constantly…but it’s worn down some. I still get it. IT frightens me because one wrong move and I could be in trouble. LOL. But I have three kids so maybe I wore myself out more. Not sure what to tell you – (get pregnant) hehe.
That baby fever’s tough to get rid of. Glad you have your lovely son to help take some of the focus away from it. Anecdotal evidence would suggest that a second child is rarely the same experience as the first, so who knows what may happen if you choose that route.
I identify so much with what you wrote here, Jessica. I’ve never wanted more than two kids and my struggle to get pregnant with the second one was so draining it never even occurred to me I might want another one. Of course having a second one only made me start fantasizing of a third. But yes – the colic, the breastfeeding, the exhaustion – I can relate.
Congratulation on the dissertation, that’s wonderful!
The only cure I know of is to have another baby, which is why I have three. 🙂
I know what you mean though, my first daughter never wanted to sleep and was challenging in so many ways. I waited until she was three to get pregnant again. My toddlers were not ever those perfectly behaved kids -at least I don’t think so…but it does get easier.
My firstborn son is now 3 and still has difficulty sleeping. When our daughter was born, we prepared for the worst and got a sleeping champ. You never know, I guess.
Isn’t it amazing how two kids born from the same parents came turn out to be totally different? I would hope that I’ve learned a few lessons, but a lot of it just seems like a luck of the draw (as far as having a good sleeper).
I think it’s totally a person-to-person thing, and you have to figure out if you want another baby for real, or if you are just kind of getting over the trauma and feeling peaceful about your life now and babies. It’s really hard to know, but I’m sure as time goes by, you’ll know if this baby fever means you ACTUALLY want to have another baby. I can’t imagine going through such a hard first year!!
Yes, it was a tough first year. I feel already — only a few days later — like the “bug” may be passing!
I got that “baby bug”, or I should probably say “another child of undetermined age” about six months after we adopted our first son. I knew I wanted a second, probably even before our first. My first son was so challenging that first two years: strong-willed, picky eater, and woke up with night terrors 2-5x EVERY night – he never skipped a night – then add on topof that the fact that I was a first time parent of a 2yo, who had lived in an orphanage his whole life. Alright, I’ll shut up, it almost sounds like I’m bragging – barf. Anyway, I still got that “baby bug” even after all that. We adopted our 2nd son 21 months after our first. The next “bug” didn’t come along for 2.5 more years. My hands were full with two pre-school aged boys. But then it came again and now we have our daughter. My husband says he’s done and I totally agreed with that until the last month. I could see us adopting again (because it’s gotten a little easier in our house now that it’s been a year), but it would take a lot to convince him and the “baby bug” isn’t THAT strong right now for me to attempt to convince him. 🙂 man, writing all this here makes me think I should summarize our story on my blog. Ha!
You should DEFINITELY summarize your story in a blog post. I want to to hear it!
Well, I’m LONG past the age of baby fever, but I do remember it very well. I don’t know if there’s a cure for it, and I don’t know that there should be–in my case, it led to years of infertility treatment, but eventually brought us a beautiful daughter, born nearly 12 years after our son. I’d say “give it time, and if it’s still there after a few months, you might be onto something.”
I wish I had better news for you. My twins were in the NICU for 6 weeks, which was followed by not sleeping through the night until well after a year. They’ll be 3 next month, and still sometimes wake during the night. My daughters spit up fiercely until they were about 10 months old. I’ve been potty training for a year now. All that, and we only wanted one child to begin with. Now I’ve had baby fever for a solid 9-10 months. It has yet to be easy, but I want a baby so bad. We’re taking our time, but I don’t think we’re going to fight it much longer. Once my husband got bitten by the bug, all bets were off.
Wow, that sounds really hard! Twins who have difficulty with sleeping must be just so hard to deal with. And once both parents got get “bug,” then there’s no one to talk sense into either of you, and I can see how the virus will never go away!
I get baby fever all the time. And I’m 44 so pregnancy now would probably not be the best idea. And congrats on being on the other side of sleep deprivation. Crying colicky babies are so hard. I’ll bet your next baby would be the opposite!
First, congrats on the dissertation! I’m sure it is a huge relief to get it off your shoulders.
As for the baby fever, I have six kids and have the baby fever terribly. I have friends who gave birth three months ago, yesterday, and another who will in Sept. I am wanting more, but my husband says he is done forever. My fever will have to run its course.
No two babies are alike. Out of the six, none followed the same path. One was a crier, one was a vomiter, one had tubes for ear infections, two were awesome, one was the last one and I was a pro by then. 🙂
Honestly, I know the newborn phase seems to take an ever-lovin’ eternity. But over the long run, it is the blink of an eye. It is temporary.
I could get reemed for saying this, but do you know anyone who is an only child as an adult? It is so much pressure and work for that only child to take care of his parents as they age. A friend of mine is going through this right now, and she said it didn’t dawn on her until just this year, she is alone. Even her husband, who she has been happily married to for over 20 years, can’t understand or help the way a sibling would. Food for thought.
Regardless of what you decide, your son will have the love and support and happiness of his wonderful parents. Everything else is icing.
I definitely relate to this. And this is my biggest reason — besides just generic “baby fever” — that I would want to have a second. When my dad was sick with cancer, it was so important to have siblings around. And I’ve seen both of my parents go through family struggles in which their siblings were their major sources of support. It is a huge consideration for me.
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Jessica,
So great talking with you about this and other kid and book-related “stuff” today! As for your baby fever, listen to it. I have never heard any mom say they regret having a child but I hear plenty of moms say that they wish they would have had more but now it’s too late. Yes, the first years of a baby’s life can be grueling and as a fellow colic survivor, I understand about the “walking dead.” But I have to say, right now my oldest is 18 and going to college next year, and that is a tough pill to swallow. I will miss her so very much. But I am grateful that I have 3 more kids at home, and the youngest is 8, so I will be at this for many more years! It was tough and exhausting when they were young, and sometimes, I felt like I was going to lose my mind (I may have actually lost part of it 🙂 ), but it does get easier. Listen to your heart! You will know what to do!
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