Here are several statements that I’ve made to my almost two year old son during the last few days, and I feel terrible about all of them.
- “You’re so smart! You did it!” after he chose the correct color crayon when I asked him to pick out the blue one.
- “What a brave boy!” about ten times after he went down the slide again and again by himself on the playground.
- “Good job! You’re such a good cleaner” after each time that he dusted a different piece of furniture in the house with his little “duster.”
- “Excellent work! You’re so strong!” after he pulled himself into the stroller by himself.
- And, finally, most troublingly, this morning, I realized that my son was looking up to me for applause — yes, actual clapping — and praise each time he put the correct block into his shape sorter toy.
Right then I realized that I may be creating a “praise junkie” — a child who is dependent on an adult’s constant praise and attention in order to try hard at certain tasks.
I should know better.
In my 12 years as a teacher, I was a disciple of Carol Dweck, the psychologist who made famous the hazards of overpraising children at home and at school. In my English and history classrooms, I tried to give specific, authentic feedback for kids’ effort and persistence.
I knew that instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” a teacher should say, “You did a fantastic job with that introductory sentence.” Or instead of saying, “You’re such a good drawer,” you should say, “I’m so impressed with how hard you worked on that picture. The colors that you chose are beautiful.”
When talking to kids about how they’re doing, adults should always focus on praising a child’s efforts or process. Telling kids that they’re “smart” or praising their personal qualities may actually backfire. According to Dweck’s research, praising kids for their intelligence or who they are — rather than what they have done — unwittingly teaches kids that being smart is a fixed trait.
Many of us were raised with the idea that praising kids (even sometimes for undeserved accomplishments) will improve their self-esteem, and this belief in their own abilities will ultimately lead to improved performance and success. However, exactly the opposite happens. Building kids’ self-esteem — as a goal in itself — has been proven by decades of research to be destructive to kids’ independence, academic skills, and motivation. They learn to discount feedback as a tool for improving their performance — understanding intuitively that it’s not always authentic — and they are sent the message that intellectual abilities are innate and that learning new strategies and putting forth more effort are futile. They become afraid of failure — because failure is thought to be reflective of their intelligence — and stop trying.
This is true even for babies and toddlers. Babies whose efforts are praised, rather than their natural talent, become better at facing challenges later on in childhood. They learn that mistakes are okay, and that effort is what’s important.
I know all of this. And have known it for years. I was an expert at specific, critical feedback as an educator. I’ve read countless books and studies on it. I’ve written research papers on self-efficacy, praise, and motivation. So why is this impossible to do with my own son?
Because, simply, I love him so much. He’s my baby boy, and he’s a part of me.
We want our kids to know that no matter what — success or failure — that we are on their side. We want them to know that we believe in them as deeply — or more — as we have ever believed in ourselves. We want them to know that our belief that they’re smart, amazing, and wonderful will never go away. Praise — even if we understand intellectually that it’s not a good idea — becomes a way of saying, “I love you. I’m here for you.”
I know I need to stop. From now on, I’ll try to keep my thoughts — “Oh, you’re my smart, perfect boy!” — to myself. Because it’s what’s best for him. And that’s ultimately what I want.
How do you praise your kids? Have you ever wondered if they’re getting praised too much?
Also, check out this post by Monica of Wired Momma about not raising a “praise junkie.” She talks to parenting coach, Meghan Leahy, and gets some valuable advice. I especially liked her distinction between “praise” and “encouragement.” For those of you wondering how to put this knowledge into real life practice, the piece describes specific examples — such as when your child makes the basketball team — and how to encourage them for their accomplishments and efforts.
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What should you have said when he picked the correct color or went down the slide? Should we choose only a few things to praise throughout the day, or should we recognize every effort?
Great questions! I think it’s more about recognizing the effort. It’s more about commenting on and sympathizing with your child’s experience, I think, than on praising him for every small thing that he does.
Great post! I found myself over praising my special needs kid and discovered it was making him lazy and unwilling to try new things. So I stopped and he was suddenly seeking out new things to try. I still praise him, but not like crazy. Getting hubby to cut back has been more of a challenge. 😀
I know! Once you learn about how much influence the way that you praise or encourage your child has on his or her development, it can be frustrating when you realize that there are all sorts of other people (even a spouse!) who might not be giving feedback in the same way.
I don’t have kids, so fortunately I don’t have to torture myself with these questions…and I would TOTALLY torture myself with these questions.
However, I think if you show them love and support in everything you do, it isn’t so much about the words as it is about the actions and daily demonstration of love and kindness, which you are obviously giving. Whether telling them they’re smart or saying they did a good job on that specific project, you’re giving your child love and reinforcement, which is more that what so many of them get.
I say you’re doing a great job and try not to sweat it too much. I know I shouldn’t tell little girls they’re pretty, but what’s the first thing I say to my niece? Yup.
I’m sure she’ll have a complex from me one way or another. 🙂
The “you’re pretty” conversation reminds me a lot of this one. Even though I know all about the effects of emphasizing appearance to little girls, what’s the first thing that I say too to any little girl that I encounter? Something about how pretty their outfit is or how much I like their pretty ribbon. But you’re right. If you love your child and encourage them, then that’s most of the battle right there!
Thanks for writing this – I think it’s such an important topic as we read and hear about coddled kids who turn into spoiled adults. I always have to catch myself with my 4 and 7-year old to be sure what I’m recognizing or praising is their hard work and effort – not always the outcome – which is the bit that doesn’t necessarily warrant the praise each time. Thanks for reminding me of this with your great piece!
Your piece was brilliant! I loved the questions that you asked the parenting coach. You really went the extra mile to make sure that all this “expert” advice about praise would be meaningful to parents.
AMEN. This was a fantastic post. I often struggle with posting things like this because as an educator I feel I want all parents to consider certain ideas but I know the whole topic can get touchy. You handled it like the expert you are.
I am a firm believer in what you wrote about. I was raised being praised for merely existing and I feel like I am a praise junkie. I have worked hard with my son and now my daughter to praise when it is deserved and I’ve even talked to the grandparents about it to make sure they’re doing it. Yes, I am a control freak.
Kids know when they did well and when they didn’t and for them to hear “GREAT JOB!” from us even if it wasn’t they’ll quickly catch on that we are being inauthentic.
AMEN. This was a fantastic post. I often struggle with posting things like this because as an educator I feel I want all parents to consider certain ideas but I know the whole topic can get touchy. You handled it like the expert you are.
I am a firm believer in what you wrote about. I was raised being praised for merely existing and I feel like I am a praise junkie. I have worked hard with my son and now my daughter to praise when it is deserved and I’ve even talked to the grandparents about it to make sure they’re doing it. Yes, I am a control freak.
Kids know when they did well and when they didn’t and for them to hear “GREAT JOB!” from us even if it wasn’t they’ll quickly catch on that we are being inauthentic.
Thank you, Jean! Yes, it is such a touchy subject. And if you’re not familiar with the research, it can sound like someone is criticizing the way that you speak with your kids and make you very defensive. It sounds like you’ve done a much better job than I have so far in putting this into practice with your kids. You give me hope!
You raise many important points in this post. It is ironic how good intentions by parents to raise kids’ self-esteem can sometimes have the opposite effect. (As a creative writing tutor, I’ve also noticed that simply saying, “That was good,” doesn’t actually give any meaningful feedback.)
I haven’t heard of Carol Dweck, but when my kids were little I read several articles about the issue involved in over-praising, including quite a few by Alfie Kohn. So like you, I’ve done my best to give more constructive feedback. Sometimes I’ve managed and sometimes I haven’t. Sometimes my feedback has been the opposite of praise. My girls are teenagers now and they aren’t perfect, but neither is anyone else, and they are lovely kids! I guess what I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up too much if you fall short of your ideals. We all do it – I mean we all do the falling short though I think most of us also do the beating ourselves up too.
I recently came across a wonderful book by Kristin Neff called “Self-Compassion.” Her comparison of self-esteem and self-compassion is illuminating – the former emphasizes differences between ourselves and others, whereas the latter emphasizes the common bonds.
One thing that’s really important to remember is that focusing on what we do wrong does not help us do what we think is right!I think your last paragraph is possibly your most important – you praise your son because you love him so much and that’s the most important thing of all.
I’ll have to check out what Alfie Kohn says about this issue. And I love the distinction that you raise between “self-esteem” and “self-compassion.” I had never heard that phrased this way before. Thanks for the great points!
I think so many parents (myself included!) can be guilty of over-praising. We want to show our love and so it can become a natural extension of expressing that to our children. In my parenting group, the moderator has told us that even on the soccer field or when report cards come home to let your child react first. After the game, instead of praising them for having a great game, see how he or she feels first and follow their lead. Same with report cards. Even if it’s all A’s, don’t immediately say, “wow, you’re so smart” but wait for your child’s reaction first and then say something like, “it looks like you worked really hard this term. I’m proud of your effort.” It’s a hard hard skill to execute as a parent!! Great post.
Yes! From what I’ve read, you just first try “noticing” and listening to how your kid feels. It is so hard though! It sounds like you’re in a terrific parenting group. Great advice!
Great reminder! Even though I “know” this, I still sometimes find myself praising my son for being ‘so smart’ and ‘doing such a good job’ instead of specifics. Thank you for the good reminder. 🙂
I do give encouragement not tied to any achievement at times though-things like how much I enjoy being with them or how lucky I feel to be their mom. I think both have their place for building those feelings of self-esteem.
I think one thing I do the most is just put into words what they did. Like for the shape sorter: hey, you put the square in the square hole! Or the slide, look at that, you went down the slide. It still feels very praise-ish, because of the tone, but I hope it’s helping them see.
I really agree that unwarranted praising doesn’t really help.
One thing I see a lot as a teacher is kids who are naturally good at school who don’t work hard. They are blessed to have things come easily to them most of the time. But when something truly hard comes along, they don’t know how to try hard to figure it out. But now that I’ve typed all that, I’m not sure how I thought it was related. Maybe tangentially, that we can be careful too about not always praising their effort or ‘hard work’ if it didn’t require much from them. Generally those high acheiving kids don’t even realize that they don’t have to work hard for thier good grades.
Yes, and I think what the research is saying about those “high-ability” kids is that they get into trouble later when things just inevitably get tougher and they can’t always rely on their innate ability. They’re so used to thinking that “they’re smart” and that it should just come easily, they have no coping skills when they have to try repeatedly or use different strategies to accomplish a goal. And I really like the idea of putting into words what they just achieved. It’s such good advice! That’s one tip from these researchers: describe what you see, mirror it back to them, be as specific as possible, and praise when the effort is authentically impressive.
Absolutely spot-on, once again.
I don’t think I realized that saying “good work” in a non-specific way (which I always do!) was part of the praise-opoly. So basically, the trick is to be specific? Like “good work going down the slide like a big boy”? Or what?
Yup. Praise action and effort rather than general qualities. Or “I liked the way you went down the slide all by yourself!” It’s so hard to do it! Especially for a little kid. (Because — honestly — what they do is often not that impressive.)
Such great points here, Jessica. You know what’s crazy– I KNOW all this and believe it deeply, and yet I still hear myself bringing out the parade of applause and ooohs and ahhhs for the most basic of “accomplishments.”
I need to really focus on this again!
That is precisely what’s crazy about it! I think it’s nearly impossible to do, no matter how much knowledge you have. Or if you do this all the time, then you sound like a weirdo parent.
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