Today I have one of the featured posts on BlogHer. My first feature on BlogHer! And who would have guessed that it would be because of an HBO show that terrified and horrified me?
And my post about “Girls” fits perfectly with an article that I read today from the Atlantic from my Twitter friend and teacher Jessica Lahey about entitlement and parenting.
Do you think that all of this popular culture hand-wringing about today’s teens and twentysomethings is just media hype?
Might want to check your links above; both of them took me to the Atlantic article. I read it on FB today too. I identified with those teachers — the arguments with parents over plagiarism, the refusal to believe their child could do anything wrong, the assumption that the fault lay with my teaching. And I’d add, generally a lack of support from administration. I taught in private schools, where money from wealthier families was important, and some of their children were “untouchable.” Our middle school son lacked motivation to do his science project. We reminded him, supported him, but would not do it for him. He put it off, and made a 17. Even his teacher longed for us to come to his rescue, wanted to give him extra time. We declined. It was better for him to fail in a big way, and feel it. We never, ever had trouble with him again, getting school work done. He learned it was his job, not ours.
Yes, I do think we should worry about this generation of young people, although as the Atlantic article writer note, many of these kids will escape their oppressive parents and recover handily. Sending a kid off to college alone is the ultimate “sink or swim” scenario, and I was always amazed at the parents who hovered annoyingly in high school, but sent their kids off to college without a qualm, simply b/c it’s the expected thing to do. Kids who never learn to fail and recover will probably quickly acquire the skill when they leave home.
The concern to me is, how will they parent their own children, in the next 10-20 years? Will they reject their parents’ smothering practices? Will kids be go back to playing outside after school for hours? In their defense, some of the recent parenting practices are due to a death of community in our country; it’s become a place where you don’t know, and thus can’t trust, your neighbors. And if this next crop of parents do feel entitled to rescue, help, excuses, then how will our culture be impacted? I’m hoping they’ll shake off the damage and choose a different path with their own kids.
I have so many thoughts running through my head. So this must be a great post! Of course it is, you wrote it:)
Well, first let me respond to the HBO show–I have seen a few episodes maybe a month ago and haven’t felt compelled to watch it again. However, I am usually a serious person when it comes to comedy like this, but I did find it funny b/c I saw it as over-the-top, almost hyperbolic in its commentary about twenty-something middle/upper (?) class, white women. While they do exhibit entitlement behavior, I do see these women as still trying to find their identity, albeit in often dangerous and potential self-destructive ways; hence, the title “Girls.” This type of behavior is not new. It is just publicized more, which some might argue has the potential to increase such behavior. Who knows. At the least, it gives a lot of opportunity for social commentary.
What we do know is what you write in your post. As parents we can and should really consider how our response to our children’s behavior impacts their attitude, behavior, relationships, etc. I have been a high school teacher and department head in a large, urban school so I have worked with many parents. I am currently on my son’s preschool Board of Directors and getting to know my community since my daughter started kindergarten. I, like everyone else, has my parents parenting to reflect upon, which I have done ad nauseum. So I will get to my point–we can never be perfect at parenting; however, we can reflect upon our interactions with our children, consider the ways we support their thinking in problem solving so that our goal is independence, confidence, and compassion. Be role models, which can be tough because it forces us to take a good look at our flaws, our struggles.
Being a parent can be painful (which comes in looking at ourselves, watching our children get upset, etc.), so to ease the pain people often give into their children’s discomfort rather than providing support through that discomfort in order to come out stronger and healthier. I wish someone helped me find healthy ways to handle my discomfort while growing up, maybe I wouldn’t have engaged in destructive behavior; but, many of us did not have this support. With this in mind. we need to help parents learn how to allow their children to experience failure and discomfort b/c there are consequences to our actions. As my mother annoyingly says when we talk about parenting: “You kids didn’t come with a handbook.” This response tells me parents need support. In fact, I remember parents asking me advice about handling their teenager when I was a teacher. They were desperate for support. Schools, pediatricians, etc. can be quite helpful in this area.
So the bigger question is not about how we will parent (b/c those of us posting already think and read about how to better parents), but how do we support others to embrace “painful parenting” and convert that into “reflective parenting”? Because if we do not, then the possibility of our future being overrun by young people like those on “Girls” is real possibility.
Wendy, I think you’re right. So much of it is that parents need more support. Parents of other generations were more likely to have lots of family and neighborhood support around them. We’re more likely to be away from our families, we have kids later, and, thus, we’re spread out more. And our culture’s standards of parenting have gotten so much higher. I worry about so many things on a daily basis that didn’t even occur to my parents to think about. And that leads us to think that we can control every aspect of our kids’ lives. Because if we can do that, then maybe they’ll turn out better. But that thinking is probably wrong. I think that “overparenting” — and raising entitled children who don’t take responsibility for their actions and failures — can be the result.