Since I wrote a piece for the Role/Reboot website (that is posted today) called, Why Are There No “Working Dads”?, I’ve been thinking a lot about the changing roles of fathers and mothers. While it’s true that there are different cultural expectations for mothers and fathers, I’ve also been wondering how much of these expectations come from ourselves.
The point of my post — that I wrote weeks ago — is that a mom who works is called a “working mother” — and everyone in our society has seen thousands of articles about the consequences, challenges, and benefits of being a working mom — but a dad who works is called, well, a “dad.” There is no equivalent term, no equivalent set of magazines and marketing, and no similar set of cultural expectations and feelings of guilt.
And mothers — whether they work or not — generally take on most of the mental energy of parenting. I don’t necessarily mean the diaper changes or the middle-of-the-feedings. But the worrying, the planning, the remembering of all the likes and dislikes. And this is what KJ Dell’Antonia of the New York Times blog Mother Lode calls “the dominant parent.” The one, when push comes to shove, is really in charge.
As I get ready to go away on a trip for a night away from my son for the first time (yes, he is two years old), I find myself worrying being away from my son more than I am about defending my dissertation, the purpose of my trip. My husband is a co-parent in every sense of the word. But will he remember to brush his teeth twice a day? Will he remember where the night-time diapers are kept?
If you had asked me several months ago, I would have listed 10 “facts” that were proof that I was the “dominant parent,” the one who’s really in charge.
- I was the parent who kept track of the number of ounces of formula that my son drank every day.
- I was the parent who knew how his clothing was organized.
- I was the parent who knew which books he liked to read for naps and at bedtime.
- I was the parent who was in charge of dispensing medication of all forms (Tylenol to antibiotics).
- I was the parent who talked to the doctor’s office and went to all his office visits.
- I was the parent who kept track of all of his pacifiers and his previous “loveys.”
- I was the parent who kept track of when to change his crib sheets.
- I cleaned all of the bottles and sippy cups.
- While my husband and I generally do our own laundry, I did all of my son’s.
- I prepared my son’s lunches for preschool.
But now I’m realizing that these things — every single one of them — are not true anymore. My son is getting bigger, I’m doing more work of my own, and my husband can do every single one of those tasks just as competently as I did. (Often, even better.) And, really, my son will be completely fine while I’m away.
Was I the “dominant parent” for all this time during my son’s infancy and early toddlerhood because I needed to be, because I wanted to be, or because I wouldn’t let myself escape that role?
Is there a “parent in charge” at your house?
Don’t forget to check out today’s HerStories: Tales of Friendship piece “Leslie and Me” at Mommy, For Real. Today’s piece is from Carisa of MCarisa.com. She shows her unique style and humor as she shows us how two very different people can become connected in unexpected ways. And make sure to leave a comment to enter our giveaway for a copy of Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends
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I probably am the dominant parent, because my husband works right now and I do not, but he still is very hands on when he is home and he too could do just about everything I can do, too. So your post is very relevant and definitely can relate.
I’m in the same situation too. It’s most definitely easier for the spouse who’s not working outside the home to be the dominant parent. Glad that others can relate!
I definitely was the dominant one when my kids were little, but now it’s pretty even…BUT…I am still the long arm of the law around my house. I’m the one that has to bring down the hammer on things. My husband just doesn’t do it. It’s really irritating, actually. He will back me up, but it’s always me that decides on punishments, says “no”, and does all of that side of parenting. :/
I think it’s SO much easier for mothers to be the dominant one when kids are really small. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when my son gets to the age when he needs more “discipline.” Right now he doesn’t listen to either of us! But I think that’s what two year olds do! They’re experts at saying, “No!”
We go through periods when I am the dominant parent, followed by periods when my husband is. I was/am the dominant parent during both my mat leaves. When I came back from my first mat leave my husband took over and did an excellent job.
I love this topic; it is one that I have discussed over and over with my friends. I refer to it as being “Parenting Project Manager” and I agree that it begins to evolve as our babies and toddlers grow. Such a good point- are we doing it for them or for us? Can’t wait to go read your Role/Reboot post now…
Oh, I loved this post! I am definitely the dominant parent in this household. My husband works ridiculous hours at work, so it’s not surprising he doesn’t know all of the little details. But I’m also a control freak, so I don’t help matters. But as the saying goes, “if you want something done right . . . ” HA!!!