What will I tell my son about dating? About breakups? About commitment? About sexting….?
My son is growing up in a technological and social media world that is completely different than the world in which I came of age. That’s not news to me or to anyone.
My husband and I started dating in 2005. Maybe I’m in the grips of technological nostalgia, but to me, I think my decades of dating life took place in a golden age of dating.
When I think about my dating experiences from my twenties and thirties, I imagine myself as a less fabulous version of Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex and the City. Wearing much cheaper clothes. And not going dancing at Manhattan clubs. And never wearing expensive designer heels. With no smoking, tutus, or curly hair. (Okay. I never was anything like Sarah Jessica Parker, but despite the well-deserved plummet in reputation that Sex and the City as a brand now suffers, doesn’t every woman over the age of 30 imagine that her romantic life was at some point just a little like Carrie’s?)
I had my share of romantic heartbreak and painful breakups. Bad boyfriends, great boyfriends. Boyfriends who suddenly stopped calling, boyfriends who never stopped calling. Boyfriends who may not have been actually “boyfriends” in the strictest sense, but I wanted them to be. Long relationships, short relationships. Relationships that I knew were stupid even before they started. I waited for the phone to ring on many nights. Other times I ignored its rings. Sometimes I prayed for a relationship to survive, and other times I prayed for them to end. During some years I worried that I was dating too much. Other times I was worried that I was dating too little. Approaching my mid-thirties, I worried that I would die alone. But then I would find myself in another relationship that exhausted, bored, or hurt me, and I’d want to be single forever. And then I’d worry about that.
When a relationship ended, for the most part I never had to think about that person again, if I chose not to.
But here’s one thing that I never had to worry about: texting. And here’s another: Facebook. I never received a drunk text. Or was blocked on Twitter by a promising date.
Yes, most of my dating life occurred after e-mail was typically used as part of courtship and communication. And then cell phones became part of modern American courtship. And online dating. And, yes, I even think my dating past intersected with Friendster and MySpace. But I think it’s still true that my dating experiences wouldn’t have been much different if they have taken place in 1983, or 1993, or 2003.
Last night I read an article in New York Magazine written by a millennial called “All My Exes Live in Texts: Why The Social Media Generation Never Really Breaks Up.” After reading it, I wanted to go into my son’s room, take him out of his crib, and make him promise never to sext anyone ever, ever, ever. Ever. And tell him that bad boys who sext grow up to be Anthony Weiner.
I’m used to the desire to protect my son from lots of imminent (and far off) dangers: germs, falling off playground equipment, unfriendly dogs on the sidewalk, sunburns. Even the rising cost of college education.
From the article, here are a few other things that I’m sad that my son will experience in his future life on a regular basis:
1. Scrolling through an ex’s Twitter feeds.
2. Using Snapchat.
3. Realizing that he’s received dozens, if not hundreds, of pictures of naked people on his phone.
4. Deciding which “ex blocker” app or plug-in to erase your ex from your social media, e-mail, and internet history.
I’m not a prude. It doesn’t bother me to realize that my son will have a future sexual life, way before he gets married or even maybe before he’s ready.
But more than anything I can’t help but wonder — yes, I’m still channeling Carrie Bradshaw here — how to talk with my son, or any kid, about relationships and sex in the age of Twitter, Facebook, and iPhones. We’re so far beyond the point in which parents just have to worry about someday having the “birds and the bees” talk.
When should you have the “sexting” talk with your kid?
If you have a teenager, how do you talk about social media, romance, and sex?
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One of my college friends is now the dean of students at a bustling Harlem middle school. His advice: keep your kids off the internet and away from mobile phones FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. Ok. But inevitably, it’s going to happen. I think the most important lesson about texting, social media, and the internet, is that all of this stuff FEELS PRIVATE but is most definitely NOT PRIVATE. This truth is not something that you can just tell someone, especially an impulsive teenager who, mid-flirt, will shove mom’s advice to the way back of the brain. It needs to be an ongoing conversation.
To that end, actively guiding them into this world (when they still think you’re cool and on their side) is probably for the best, even though I like to think I’m a chill, laid-back mama. I think starting them on a cell phone w/o internet access is a good idea, with the understanding that you’ll monitor their texts from time to time. (That is, if they still make those when our kids are tweens). No 12/13-year-old needs a phone with a camera and internet access (a deadly combo if there ever was one) in their palm. Finally, I accept that some of this will be learned the hard way. And I will be ready with a hug my reserves of unconditional love even if all of Twitter takes their ex’s side in a breakup.
This is such great advice. You make a really good point — about teaching skills gradually and allowing greater and greater freedom. And you’re right.. Kids should definitely have a “trainer” cell phone at first. Sort of like you wouldn’t give a kid a “real” bike before you give them one with training wheels. (That’s probably what somebody should have given Anthony Weiner for a few more years…
This a subject that is very much on my mind since I have a 14 year old who starts high school in Sept. We talk about the perils of social media, and how you really have to be careful about putting your personal life so clearly on display. Of course this is coming from a blogger!!
I worry because kids, by their very nature test boundries and make mistakes, social media makes it almost impossible for these mistakes to be forgotten. They can also carry some very stiff consequences. I will discuss cases that come up in which a kid sends a picture of themselves to a boyfriend or girlfriend and then in a moment of anger or hurt made it public. I keep stressing the point that everything we do online can really stay with us forever. I also stress respecting ourselves and the ones we care about. Thanks for bringing up a great topic to discuss and to think about!!
That is really the difference, isn’t? When we were young, you made stupid mistakes but there wasn’t a lifetime of consequences for every embarrassing spectacle.
Do it now! Get your kid out of his crib right now & make him swear to never sexting or else no fruit snacks, got it?
I agree with the wise advice of MT (although my kid has an iphone-don’t shoot). But, honestly, I think the totality of the way you raise your kids will have the greatest impact. Are there rules and expectations and standards in the house? Do you encourage open communication? Are you involved & aware but not stifling? Of course, kids will be kids & you have to set ground rules, but I think kids with a healthy dose of self-respect are less likely to fall into participating in an inappropriate way in that stuff. It’s definitely not easy though & I’m so happy I didn’t grow up w/ this crap to worry about.
I think I’m less scared of my kids driving, having sex, or drinking alcohol than I am of their social media usage. I’ve got how many years to prepare myself??? Yikes.
I love this! Well, and I hate it. Because, yikes, that is what we have to deal with in who knows how long? A decade? And who knows how much worse it can get in those ten years? I think about this a lot, and I’m sure when our time comes, I will read more literature than is necessary to help me prepare a strategy. And for the record, I loved you channeling your inner Carrie Bradshaw. Now I just want to sit down and watch a SATC marathon.
Maybe this is why I love The Little House on the Prairie books so much. I long for simpler times. These are huge parenting hurdles and quite frankly, they scare the crap out of me. We are raising a generation of children who are submerged in media from the day they are born. How to navigate it? I’m still thinking through that process. I’ve been yearning to write about how technology is affecting me and my children… you’ve added fuel to the fire.
Please let me know if you come to any great conclusions. As the mother of two girls, I am terrified of what the future might hold.
I am very thankful to have grown up pre internet/text/caller ID/cell phone era! I graduated college in 1997. Whole lot of unnecessary calls I am glad I never made! I got my first email address as a junior in college. I used a calling card and a pay phone to call home. No one had a cell phone. We didn’t even have caller ID or call waiting on campus. I often think of what it will be like for my kids with all the technology. Mine are 8, 6 and 3 so I have a little while anyway!
I graduated from college in 1996. When I think about the hall phone that I shared with about 20 other kids for my entire floor, it seems like I practically came of age in the time of covered wagons and prairie bonnets. I remember when we got voice mail on campus… It seemed revolutionary! And I got my first e-mail address in college. I don’t think I “surfed” the internet until I was 20!
As the mom of an almost 11 year old girl (and two younger girls as well) my ony advice is be honest. I had “the talk” with her several months ago when she asked me what 50 Shades of Grey was about. (Because she heard of it on TV – not because I was reading it) After trying to avoid the subject, I finally asked “Do you know what sex is?” Se responded, “Yeah! My friends talk about it all the time.” She was in 5th grade. 🙁 At that point, I realized that she was going to learn about sex and sexting and drugs and alcohol whether I wanted her to or not – no matter whether I “shielded” her from it or not. I decided that I wanted to make sure she got the “real” version of things – the hard core if this, then that consequences discussions.
Since then, we have had additional talks and I have tried to just be brutally honest with her. (i.e Yes, you can have sex without being married, but if you do then . . . . )All I can do is continue to be honest and hope that everything we are teaching them will sink in and that she will make the right choices when the time comes.
Wow, that’s brave. And definitely seems like the right path: open communication and frankness. That’s amazing too — fifth grade! I taught fifth grade for a number of years and some of the girls still brought their stuffed animals to school with them to take to recess.
Oh, I just don’t even want to go there! My daughter (6) has a play phone, and pretends she’s updating her Twitter and Facebook posts…. I suppose the conversations need to start soon (at least about online privacy, respectful behavior, etc.) …
Yeah… So many thoughts. Please don’t let your soon grow up to be Anthony Weiner! 😉
And we thought google stalking was bad. A friend of mine went on a date with a younger woman in her twenties and she spent the whole date instagramming it. He was like, I’m right here! Can’t even imagine dating in this brave new world, but I suppose our world will just seem quaint to them.
Such a great post, Jessica. I hate that this is a concern and worry about it as well. My husband’s teenaged daughter lived with us throughout high school and seriously, the blatant disregard for the fact that naked photos live forever was so beyond her and her friends. It’s disheartening and scary and so impersonal. She actually broke up with a boyfriend over text message. Text and facebook and all the rest allow kids to have such a skewed view of intimacy. Let me know when you figure out how you’re going to talk to your son so that I can emulate it, okay?
That’s just what inspired me to write this post! Breakups over text? Can you imagine ever doing that? I guess it’s not any worse than when a guy would just disappear off the planet, but it seems like it’s almost a socially acceptable way of ending a relationship at this point.
PS I love the new blog design! Great job 🙂
I think the conversation starts as you begin to explain the permanence of social media…like everything you say is out there forever. And then I think you lead into the sexting conversation as they get to be teenagers. This is an excellent post.-Ashley
Thanks, Ashley! It’s so hard to understand the permanence idea. Maybe this should be something they should be teaching in schools, complete with stories, evidence, etc.
Argh. I’m probably sheltering my 4-year-old too much, but I don’t think he knows texting and social media exist, but I’m sure that will change very quickly. I think I would start by discussing with him appropriate and inappropriate uses for social media and the permanence of it (when he’s about 45 of course!). You’ve definitely got me thinking about the topic. Good post.
Great post, Jessica, and on a topic I think a lot about. As progressive as I am politically, I am perhaps equally traditional when it comes to social media. Although I blog and use Twitter, I don’t have a personal Facebook account and don’t really text. Part of that stems from the fear that we’re losing our ability to communicate authentically when everything is done in a hair-trigger way. I like to comfort myself that sanity will win the day and the ubiquity of texting and sexting will abate by the time our kids are old enough to use them, even while I admit that sticking my head is not a particularly effective parenting strategy.
Oh, I’d love to think that texting and sexting will fade away. But I don’t think so! It’s so interesting to compare the different types of social media, in terms of the quality of the interaction. I do have a personal Facebook account, but it still sort of makes me nervous. I love Twitter as a writer, but I can’t imagine using it just as a personal connecting tool. The researcher in me can’t wait until there’s more solid research evidence about the effects of social media on our relationships, learning, development, etc. But by the time that research is done, there will probably be something else.
All of this newerish technology and ideas scares me. What new thing will it be when our children are teenagers? And will I ever know about it? I think the key is just keeping an open door policy and creating that atmosphere of trust with your kids NOW. That and I always tell my boys I know everything, so they won’t be able to get away with anything. 😉
I’m so glad this stuff wasn’t around when I was dating. The most techy thing available to my husband and I at that time was pagers…and punching the code for I love you. My son is almost 13, and has his own phone…and sadly enough for me, is already popular with the girls. Le sigh…I suppose I need to have the sexting talk.
Pagers! I forgot about pagers!
Good luck with the sexting talk! Your son may be confused about it too and maybe would want to talk about it with you. But I’m hardly an expert on 13 year olds boys….
Man, do I agree. I want to pretend none of this exists. I know it does, but my non-approach is to cross that bridge later and not devote too much time in my mind to it now. Its not like anything I think of now will be remembered later anyway. But, I do dread the time when he has his own access to real social media.. I do.
I’ll be honest. This stuff scares the crap out of me. I have two teenagers and a tween. I think they’ve got pretty good heads on their shoulders, but teenagers don’t always think before they act. I’ve tried to impress on them that what goes on the internet never really goes away. A stupid text or a stupid Facebook post can and will follow them and it may affect their future opportunities. My kids in many ways are more savvy than me. My daughter put a bandaid over the top of her camera on the computer because she told me people can hack in and be looking in on you. I think the best time to start talking to them about this is when they are young…one they’re still listening to us, and two, kids have access to all this technology at a younger and younger age!!