Why does my decision to sleep train my baby anger and upset so many people?
After two years of parenting and several months of blogging, I now have a pretty good idea about which parenting choices are hot button issues. Â And I understand some of it. Â For instance, I understand why vaccination is such a controversial and emotional topic. Â It’s ultimately a decision that could have real public consequences for all families.
But other topics, especially this particular one about how my child sleeps? Â I don’t get it.
I’ve been delighted by the reaction from readers to my piece (posted earlier this week on Scary Mommy) about deciding to have a second child.  Among the hundreds of readers’ responses and  their own stories, there were just a handful that expressed any criticism or harshness.  Most everyone either described their own experiences or empathized with me.  Although I haven’t made any decision, I felt like part of a larger, inclusive and supportive parenting community in all the best ways.
Today I’m not feeling so welcomed, validated or optimistic about our online community of American parents.
My writing friend and fellow Carnival of Evidence-Based Parenting blogger Melinda Wenner Moyer of Slate wrote a balanced and fascinating piece yesterday about the research on sleep training. Her conclusion after a review of the research evidence and discussions with pediatric experts,
Crying-it-out is not for every parent, I know. But desperate parents—or parents who just want to be done with the 2 a.m. wake up— should feel fine trying the method. It’s not just that there’s no evidence of harm in crying-it-out—there is some solid evidence of no harm. When sleep training works, and research suggests it often does, it can provide long-term benefits for the entire family—giving babies the sleep they need to develop into healthy toddlers and giving parents the rest they need to be sensitive, confident, and happy caregivers.
Today I went to the parenting boards. Â And…yikes. A few Facebook boards that normally are balanced, intelligent forums for discussions of kids’ development, posted Melinda’s piece, and here are some adjectives that were used to describe the decision to use “cry it out” methods:
1. Â “Abandonment”
2. “Child abuse”
3. Â Parents as “tired, lazy, and uninformed”
4. Â “learned helplessness”
5. “horrid practice”
For me, the decision to try to have a second child and the issue of sleep are  intimately related.  Of course, there are other factors to consider, related to my professional future and marriage.
But I can still flash back to an image of myself when my son was five months old or so.  We had just moved to a new city, boxes still scattered over our new  house.  My son was only sleeping an hour or two at a time and would only nap during the day if I were holding him, preferably standing up and rocking back and forth during the whole nap.  I was so tired that I nearly hallucinating.
There’s a small mud room at the back of our house, and I would close both doors — to drown out the screams — and sit on the floor, crying, during many evenings when my husband was attending to one of his wake-ups. Â I’m not a big crier, but anything — dropping a piece of food on the floor, not being able to find a phone number — at that point might make me break down. Â My husband and I were shells of our former selves, walking zombies engaged in constant squabbles, usually about why the other person couldn’t get the baby to sleep or stop crying. Â We tried co-sleeping, we tried all the “gentler” approaches that I read in the sleep books that I accumulated from Amazon by the pile.
Even though the outrage from many of the mommies in my online birth group about the subject of “cry it out” shocked me, I was still willing to try it. Â Our present life — constant fighting, depressed parents, irritable baby — was not good for anyone. Except my son had severe reflux and milk protein allergies until he was several months old and we hadn’t figured the right combination of hypoallergenic formula and reflux medications to allow him to lie down or eat without some degree of pain.
So we waited until the reflux and allergies were under control. Â I have no doubt that I was gradually sinking into something close to postpartum depression. Â I couldn’t sleep, despite how tired I was. Â I felt sick to my stomach whenever I ate, and I lost all of my baby weight and then much more.
Finally, after one horrific weekend of hourly wakeups at my inlaws’ house, even my husband’s mother, now sleep-deprived from the screaming herself and an advocate of the gentlest approach to parenting that I know, said to me, as kindly as possible, “You’ve got to let him cry.”
So we got out our Ferber and our Weissbluth books, developed a plan, and we did it. Â My husband took charge. (I mostly hid in the attic with earplugs, sometimes sobbing myself.)
And our life changed immediately. Â We had our lives back. Â My son became a different baby, crying less, happier, healthier. Â Even his reflux improved. Â My son would go to sleep without a whimper by 7 p.m. after a relaxing bedtime routine. Â My husband and I could finally have a conversation together and eat a meal. Â I didn’t cry anymore, and we stopped fighting (mostly).
I wish I could say that it is the end of the story, but it’s not. Â My son developed chronic ear infections and lots of other random baby viruses. Â Each time he was sick or his routine was disrupted, we would often have to sleep train again. Â And that was exhausting too but always effective and always worth the effort to help him to fall asleep on his own again.
In my circle of Facebook friends, mommy groups, and online forums, I’ve become something of a sleep assistant to many moms. Â Whenever I see a friend in my Facebook feed or whenever I saw a mom in my moms’ group who looked the way that I looked — bags under her eyes, a glazed and hopeless expression — and who would talk about how her baby would not sleep after several months, I gently ask what she’s tried. Â She nearly always confesses to being afraid to let the baby cry it out. Â I offer to help if she wanted me to tell her what worked for us. Â I’ve “coached” several moms through the difficult process of sleep training, and they’ve all had the same experience that I did: relief mixed with a little fear of being judged.
Here’s my conclusion to this story:
- Stop judging other moms and stop using words like “abusive” or “neglect” for techniques that are fully supported by medical professionals and researchers. Â Yes, you may find a few “researchers” (I’m using the term loosely because I’ve read some of the criticisms of sleep training that are generally conducted with samples of children who have very little in common with healthy babies from loving homes) who have emotional responses to “cry it out.”
- The decision to sleep train is a personal choice. Â I have been that desperate mom, and I’ve spoken to many others, who cry when they read comments online, wondering if other parents will think that they’re abusive or selfish.
Finally, before you judge another mom for her choices, I ask you to learn about this pledge, The Mom Pledge, developed by fantastic writer Elizabeth Flora Ross. Â Here’s the pledge:
I am a proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.
I know my children learn from my attitudes and actions. I promise to model respectful, compassionate behavior.  It starts with me.
I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, “right” way to be a good mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.
I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.
I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are defamatory, hateful or threatening.
I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.
I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.
I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference.
Will you take the Mom Pledge? Go to the site, commit yourself to the pledge, post it on your blog or Facebook and tell others about it. Â Let’s support moms, even those who make decisions that are different than ours.Â
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Thank you, Jessica, for standing up for other moms. I am so tired of hearing these comments about methods that are supported by respectable research. I have struggled with my son’s sleep. I was okay with crying it out because I had to do it with my daughter;however, it took a strong recommendation from my son’s pediatrician before I did it. This may be because he had a curdling scream and would last a good 45 minutes. It did work and totally changed the type of kid he was during the day. Our relationship improved greatly. Now that he is 3.5, no more pacifier, and in a new bed (not all at once) he has not slept through the night. It is hard to let him cry it out now that he can get out of bed. I am struggling again because we are both overtired. Advice? I will take. Put-downs like “neglectful,” I will not. I suppose someone could describe my current methods as “enabling.” I may even agree, but I am at a loss.
The last thing I want to state about the “crying it out” method…it is hard to hear a baby cry, we are created to respond. However, there is something to say about helping children soothe themselves. Right now, I am not doing a good job at that. It is hard to know when to let a baby cry and when not too. The same can be argued when a child trips. Do we make a big deal every time and intervene? When it looks really bad, yes. When it is a little trip that a kid should get up, dust off and move on, no. We send messages in the way we respond to our children regardless of their age. This is not easy to decide, but to say a parent is neglectful or abusive because he or she is letting a baby cry for 20/30 minutes is a bit much. I would address the other methods like medicating a child with Benadryl, (yes, I’ve known people who have done this.) etc as concern and potential neglect, not crying it out.
That is what shocked me: some people actually put sleep training in the same category as abusive tactics. And you’re so right, Wendy. That is the issue that I struggle with, even though we’ve done cry it out. When do you intervene? When is there crying for a reason that requires intervention? A stuffy nose and a cold? Well, my son had nasal congestion for about six months. Do we just rock him to sleep for hours every night that his nose is stuffy? I don’t have much advice for you though. I am dreading the day when my son has to sleep in a “big bed.” Maybe he’ll surprise me though….
I felt myself becoming inexplicably teary while reading this. Partly because reading about the hellish sleep experience you endured makes me feel emotional. And also because of the reaction of other moms. I think your last bullet point sums it up: It is a *personal* choice. There is no one-size fits all when it comes to sleep, and every family has different circumstances. To presume to know what’s best for another mother and baby is offensive. I feel like slinging those words, “abusive, horrid,” at the people who practice judgment, not the people who prioritize their own sanity and sleep. And I love the Mom Pledge. I’ve read it before, awhile ago, but I’d forgotten about it. Thanks for passing it on!
This is a wonderful post (as all of yours tend to be). I was really struck by your post last week about having another child. I feel much like you are in my head. Yes, I would like my daughter to have a sibling, but I am 40 and I am tired and I dont know if I could handle having to teach another baby how to sleep. I am also scared of the cost. We are breaking even (to the penny, almost) with one child in daycare. I do not know what we would do if we had to have 2 (or more) under five in that type of environment.
Being a mom is so hard and as women there is so much guilt and comparison anyway. You want your kids to thrive, to be smart, to be everything that you were not…and yet, they are going to be who they are going to be…and as loving parents…we are doing the best that we can. I think that it is important that people are kind. They are certainly entitled to their differences of opinion, but kindness should not go out the window. I too plan to take the pledge (I have to write a post first), but I want you to know that I am totally in your corner about the second child thing…about what I want for my daughter and her future and how I fear her growing up in a world of cyber bullying.
Mom’s certainly have to ensure that we are setting a good example for our children. Thank you for always having such meaningful things to say.
Thank you so much! I love to think about you being in my corner! You bring out a few great points. First, yes, there is the cost of a second child. I didn’t write about it, but it’s certainly a consideration. And I love how you say that you do not have a right to throw kindness out the window when you don’t agree with someone. So true. There are many times that I wonder too about the examples that we’re setting for our kids in our own online behavior.
The one thing I know is true without a shadow of a doubt about parenting is that every child is different. There is no “one best way” to do ANYTHING. It’s not just family to family…it’s kid to kid. What worked for my daughter is not the same as what worked for my son. It’s really that simple. We’re all just doing the best that we can.
I firmly believe that when people are hyper critical of the choices of other parents, it completely stems from their own insecurities. They *have* to feel like the way the did something is the *best* so obviously everyone else is wrong, wrong, wrong. If that’s not the case, they just can’t cope because they might not have done the best thing for their kids!! The horror! Parenting is a long haul. What an exhausting way to live. Whew. –Lisa
Isn’t that true? It must be so exhausting to be constantly judging other people!
I have done sleep training. I, like you, was at a point of desperation and the “cry it out” method was actually recommended to me by my pediatrician. Admittedly, it was hell and, if not for my husband, I could not have seen it through. It is not for everyone. That being said, we all survived and ended up with a baby who slept much much better (which means parents slept much much better.)
I think there are people who can create controversy over just about anything. As a parent, I have learned that I have no right to judge others. We are all just doing the best we can. At the end of the day, if you love your child and are doing what you think is in the best interest of the child (and the family as a whole), that’s all others should be concerned about.
I like the pledge and agree that we should all stop judging watch other. We get so offended when we are judged, but, many are a little too quick to point the finger at others.
I knew nothing of blogging or online support groups when my children (ages 11 and 14) were babies, and Facebook and Twitter didn’t exist. So I was astounded to read your post, Jessica – I had no idea that moms could be so judgmental towards one another in forums that were designed to be supportive. So unfortunate. We let our children cry it out, and they turned out fabulous 🙂 I’m sorry you had such a difficult time when your son was a baby; I’m so glad that your personal decision worked well for your family.
Great post!
My kids, 4 and 6, were sleep trained between 3 and 6 months of age. For us it wasn’t a last ditch effort to regain some sanity in our household, it was a thoughtful, planned approach to parenting based on the fact that the proper amount of sleep is good for everyone. It was hard work at first, and I remember feeling my first son’s cries with all of my body while I waited for him to soothe himself to sleep. My husband didn’t have the same physical response to his cries, so he managed it when he could. It worked for us, and I have no regrets.
It really is sad that you have had to be the brunt of all of this negativity.My feeling is even if I don’t agree with someone, I still respect them. (unless, of course, there is some horribly egregious thing that has been done) When it comes to parenting issues you are so correct. There is not only one way to parent, there is not only one type of child, and there certainly isn’t only one parenting experience. I fully expected, when I posted on Mamapedia, to feel the full outrage of parents who couldn’t believe that we had a family bed with my 7yo. I was lucky I guess. People were supportive and if they had an opinion the voiced it in a nice way.
I wish that you could have had that experience too. You are a great researcher and a wonderful mom. But the truth is, it only matters what you think at the end of the day. So try and shut all those negative nelly’s off, and enjoy your boy!
I have four children, (aged 17, 16, 13 and 12) and we did sleep training with them all at around 5 months old. For each of them, we got our pediatrician’s blessing before we started, and it took maybe 3 nights before they were putting themselves to sleep, and sleeping through the night. We never looked back. They have all grown up to be happy, healthy kids who don’t feel as though they were neglected or abandoned, and my husband and I were much happier and confident parents.
I’m older (50), and had 4 babies before this was such a heated issue, as it clearly is now. “Crying it out” (which is such a pejorative phrase) was the norm for many years. My children were raised that way. NOT that we mercilessly, callously threw them in a crib and made them howl in loneliness for hours each night. (Good grief!)
The emotion in this topic shows that there are underlying issues. It’s a philosophy, not a simple practice. It’s a philosophy of the child. And in order for a “never-let-em-cry” person to admit to the possible benefits of the other side, he must alter his philosophy. And altering your philosophy about something as important as your own children, is a hard thing to do.
There’s a philosophy of the child that believes a new baby is perfect and good (rather a Romantic notion) and that all we need to do is allow the child to do what he does naturally, and his behaviors will be pleasant and the family will be happy. This sounds lovely, but it’s not accurate. My personal belief about a baby is that he comes into the world knowing only how to exist inside my womb, and I must teach him (even as a baby) how to exist outside it. Some babies sleep regularly, on their own. Most don’t. But all children long for routine, for predictability, because it makes them feel safe. A sleep routine is essential for the baby’s well-being. And since I, the parent, know more about clocks and schedules and such than the baby does, it’s my job to be in charge of the routine. Logical. The baby’s not in charge. If I don’t want a 7 year old who thinks he’s in charge of our family’s life, why would I begin to train him to think he’s in charge now? It’s possible to have a well-mannered child who’s obedient and happy and you can take out unembarassedly in public. But don’t train anything INTO the child that you’ll just have to train OUT later. IMO, if you rock your baby to sleep, you’re teaching him — teaching him to sleep only that way. I’m an old fogey. But raising 4 children of various temperaments with this basic philosophy gave us a happy family, a lovely evening routine, hundreds of quiet evenings as a couple, and thousands of nights of sleep. Our kids are attached to us and love us. We know this because they still come home to stay with us, even in their twenties 🙂
Good luck to you! Proceed with confidence and love, and you won’t go far afield.
I enjoyed reading this. It’s great to hear from some more experienced moms!
Mary Kathryn,
You’ve really outdone yourself with this comment! This is one of the wisest responses that I’ve read on any blog, ever. Your reassurance means so much, really. I’ve been e-mailing with other writers, including the Slate author of the original article, about why sleep stirs such deep passions. But we hadn’t discussed your theory of the Romantic notion of childhood. But I think you’re onto something here. Those who deeply oppose sleep training do tend to think that babies know exactly what they need and it’s our job to “listen” to them, whatever way we can. And since crying is not the most basic expression of pain or need, then we should always respond to that. You are so right that babies are born with different temperament, and we as parents should respond to those differences, but it’s still our job to be a parent.
Ah, sleep training. When I was pregnant, I just assumed that my child would be one of those magical babies who sleep through the night at 8 weeks. Also while pregnant, I had agreed to write a solo-authored academic article by the time my son would be 4 months old. “I’ll write while naps!” I thought. Haha. To my own amazement, I got it done without one single full night of sleep, but afterwards, I was a physical wreck. I was quadruply exhausted from the article, the nursing, the colicky screaming, and especially, the lack of sleep. Lots of women have trouble losing their pregnancy weight; I, on the other hand, dropped to my middle school (read: pre-puberty) weight. My body was just spent. I wasn’t healthy and it showed. I needed rest. At 7 months, my son was still waking 2, sometimes 3 times during the night, and at that point, my husband and I decided that for our whole family’s well being, we needed to make a change. Not just for me. For all of us. It wasn’t just my husband and I who were losing out on sleep. Our son wasn’t getting the restorative sleep he needed, either. We, too, did our research. We pulled out Weissbluth, and also read Dr. Craig Canipari’s excellent sleep training toolkit.
Sleep training was a horrible, teeth-gnashing three nights (and a mildly fussy fourth), but after that…our son became a champion sleeper, his naps clicked firmly into place, and EVERYONE was in a better mood during the day.
I think sleep training is such a lightning rod because (as Alice Callahan pointed out) sleep is such an intimate part of our lives. How, where, with whom–these are very personal decisions. Also, the thought (and reality) of a screaming infant is just really difficult to bear. But science often contradicts our emotional responses–as in the case of sleep training, which has been shown repeatedly to have no adverse effects.
If other families decide that it’s not right for them, I respect that. But you’ve inspired me to share my story more broadly. Families shouldn’t be shamed out of sleep training. Parents need to do what they can to keep themselves healthy. That’s not selfish–in fact, it benefits babies in the long run.
Oh, wow. You and I could have definitely commiserated. I had just finished the research for my dissertation when my son was born. Then we moved to a new city. I just assumed I’d be able to write my dissertation while my son napped. Um, no, as you discovered. I didn’t even know where the boxes were kept in the basement for my dissertation stuff until my son was nearly six months old. By that time, I too was a physical wreck. I lost so much weight that it frightened me. I was exhausted and desperate. Yet still hearing my son cry felt so wrong. I love the way that you put it: sometimes our emotional instincts — never let your baby cry because it feels painful to you, the adult — are just wrong.
You’re so right that parenting methods – such as whether to use CIO – are a personal choice and that no good comes from cyber-bullying due to differing opinions. I did not use CIO myself but I also realize now that I didn’t need to. We were lucky that way but also were “bullied” about it a bit. When my son was four months old, my brother and his wife came to visit. They basically screamed at me for NOT doing CIO – we got in a terrible argument that took months to mend. To this day, we don’t really discuss parenting techniques because we have very different opinions. We’ve agreed to disagree and give one another the respect that having our own opinions deserves (mostly). Great article, Jessica.
That’s terrible for you! There are a lot of people who think that “cry it out” is the only way to teach a baby to sleep. There are so many different options, depending on your baby’s personality and your comfort level. Full-on “crying it out” — which is called “extinction” — with no checking in and just letting a baby cry alone in his crib until he sleeps is usually an absolute last resort of parents. They usually have tried EVERYTHING else.
Amazing, amazing, amazing post! If I, as a member of your group, a reluctant despair-driven Ferberizer, would be asked to choose someone as a spokesperson for my group it would be you. You’ve done a great job defending this “choice” to the critics.
I cannot for the life of me understand how mothers can be so quick to judge. Sure there are lazy, irresponsible parents out there. Tired kind of comes with the territory, but those are not the same parents who bother researching sleep training methods online and through reading books about it and then share their findings in an article with other moms. I puree my baby’s food because I enjoy the short lived sense of control over his healthy eating. It’s also something that doesn’t take up too much of my time. I’m friends with mothers who don’t puree their child’s food, but I’m sure they do other things for their kids that I don’t get around to or consider less of a priority. I would never dream of criticizing them, because they’re doing what works for them and I have no doubt that their choices are dictated by love for their child and an understanding of their own unique family needs and priorities.
I’ve noticed that a lot of moms on Twitter put “breastfeeding” “child-carrying” etc on their profile bio. I think that one of the reasons many moms get so aggressive when it comes to these issues is that it’s at least partially about self-definition for them, so they view themselves (on a subconscious level, perhaps) as personally attacked.
It makes me sad that someone would judge a mother like Melinda as “lazy” “tired” or abusive. It makes me sad for her and for me, because they would call me that too. Most moms don’t choose to listen to their child scream themselves to sleep because they’re immune to that sound. It’s gut wrenching, but I’ve had to do that. And more than once or five times during that period I was asking myself, why the hell do I not drink!!! In six months, I was never away from my baby for a single moment and his sleep was still horrible. I would be in bed with him as he wouldn’t go to sleep in a bassinet or without me, not really sleeping EVER for those 6 months, because I was too worried I’d roll over him. I would then be carrying him on me in a carrier ALL day with maybe two five minute breaks, until I had a chronic back, shoulder and neck pain because the moment I’d put him in his playpen/crib/exersaucer he would start screaming and I couldn’t bear that sound. That same sound for which those moms will later accuse someone like me for being “lazy” “indifferent”. As you describe it, Jessica, my baby too would not nap unless he was on me, in his carrier, and I would have to sit in a certain position where my butt was literally hanging off the sofa, so that baby’s feet are not touching it, instead dangling from the carrier, because if they touched the sofa it would wake him up. Maintaining that position while he napped for over an hour on end would result in more pain for me.
To think that someone can so easily dismiss my 6 months of total sleep deprivation and physical discomfort all for the sake of my baby by calling moms who resort to sleep training “abusive” is so sad. Maybe even a little abusive. To me the number one quality a mom possesses is empathy. The ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and ask ‘why would any mom choose to listen to her child cry?’ and then to care enough to hear the answer. I don’t see much of that in these women.
Katia, thanks so much for this. I love your last sentences! What’s missing in the criticism of a mom’s choices is empathy. If a good mother has chosen to sleep train her baby, it’s because she has decided that it’s the best choice for her. That’s exactly it, Katia! Just listen to her response, no matter what and stop the judging!
Thank you for this. I also gave birth to a fussy, colicky baby who needed me to nurse her to sleep. It was fine for the first few months, but once we hit the 4-month sleep regression, it got worse. It was taking me 3 hours to get her in her crib at night, and she would wake up 45 minutes later, and at least 3 more times at night. And she was napping 4 times a day. I remember calculating once, and I was spending over 10 hours of my day sitting in her room nursing her to sleep. And sometimes she would just open her mouth and let it drain out the side, so I was clearly just a human pacifier! At one point, I also had to put a hair dryer on and hold it between my knees to get her to calm down enough to settle enough to feed.
I remember being really obsessed with sleep, and everyone kept telling me to relax and just take my cues from my daughter. Seeing as their kids were sleeping without any issues, all that did was make me feel more isolated. I remember my cousin’s wife interrupted a conversation I was having with someone at my grandmother’s funeral to tell me I should just hold my baby all day and night if that’s what she needed. It made me feel like a horrible person.
Sadly, cry-it-out never worked for us. I tried it as a last resort when everything else failed, and when it didn’t work, I was hanging on by a thread. Fortunately, I had a moment of clarity and realized I was drowning, so I hired a sleep coach and she changed my life. My daughter sleeps well, and we are all much happier. It took another year for me to climb out of the depressed state I was in, and every time we have some sort of sleep regression (as you know, we’re experiencing the 2-year nap regression right now), I feel myself starting to panic that it’s going to get bad again.
I know other women might judge the choice I made to sleep train, but I always remind myself that it’s very easy to judge when you’re not the one trying to function on little to no sleep. A friend always used to remind me that sleep deprivation is a recognized form of torture. Makes you stop and think, right?
I am with you on the fears about having another baby and going through the sleep nightmare again. It scares the crap out of me!
Thanks for an awesome post!
Yes, Dani, it scares the crap out of me too! And, yes it certainly is acute torture to try to make it through your day for months on end without enough sleep. I too hired a sleep coach to help us when we were hanging on by a thread. I felt kind of foolish at first for doing it, but you wouldn’t believe how many people have confessed that they did the same thing!
I was like you. My daughter woke up every hour. At times, I felt like I was hallucinating. But I made a different decision. I just lived with it, because I didn’t want to sleep train. You wouldn’t believe how many people criticized this decision — both people in my life and people on the internet. “Your child will never be independent”, “Your child will never learn how to sleep”, “Your child will grow dependent on ‘sleep associations’ to fall asleep”, “You are doing this more for you than for your child”, “Do what’s right for your child”. It goes both ways.
Such a wonderful post! I feel there is so much criticism when it comes to parenting and I don’t get it. I felt ostracized when we were trying sleep “training” – such a horrible way to feel when you’re a new mom. Moms/parents need to support one another and respect one another’s decisions. It is then that we will see a true revolution in parenting.
Wishing you a lovely day.
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I agree with you — why do people care? Why for the love of all that is holy has this become a hot button issue?
(And for the record, I don’t understand why vaccination is an issue at all. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Pet peeve. Don’t get me started. 😉 )
Hi, I agree with you that each persons parenting decisions are their own. May I ask respectfully if you were nursing? I have found that the only way to comfort my son is by nursing him (to sleep, etc.) and like the other commenter, I have received a lot of judgement for it. I would assume that you were desperate enough to try anything but that if you were nursing it didn’t help, or if for some reason you weren’t nursing? Just curious. Thanks for the post.
No, I wasn’t nursing. Even when he was a young newborn, my husband and I had a hard time with co-sleeping. Neither of us could sleep well. One of us always ended up on the couch or the guest room. My son also just didn’t take to sleeping in our bed.
There *is* indeed scientific evidence that crying it out is bad for baby’s developing brain.
“Neuronal interconnections are damaged. When the baby is greatly distressed,it creates conditions for damge to synapses, network construction which occur very rapidly in the infant brain. The hormone cortisol is released. In excess, it’s a neuron killer which many not be apparent immediately (Thomas et al. 2007). A full-term baby (40-42 weeks), with only 25% of its brain developed, is undergoing rapid brain growth. The brain grows on average three times as large by the end of the first year (and head size growth in the first year is a sign of intelligence, e.g., Gale et al., 2006). Who knows what neurons are not being connected or being wiped out during times of extreme stress? What deficits might show up years later from such regular distressful experience?”
This is just one of many studies about how CIO affects the wiring of the brain:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out
“For a number of years even Ferber himself (the ‘father’ of sleep training, controlled crying and leaving a baby to ‘cry it out’) stated he would not repeat this with his own babies given what we now know to be true about the physiological, psychological, and emotional damage that CIO has on infants, children, and human development. Unfortunately, the ‘controlled crying’ bandwagon that Ferber started many years ago (maybe even with good intentions?) has continued to roll out of control and parents are regularly given this very detrimental advice to ignore their baby’s only means of communicating that a need has not been met – her cry.”
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/crying-it-out-causes-brain-damage.html
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